The Tablecloth
by littleclarestar
Summary: Bella, Edward, Snuggies. Rated M for content. Very silly.


**A/N:** _This is totally written just for fun and is not at all serious. You'll see it's pretty fucking ridiculous. We're hoping to make Waffles5509 smile and brighten her day. (We love you boo!). Hopefully you all will enjoy._

_In case you live under a rock and don't know what a snuggie is: http://www(dot)youtube(dot)com/watch?v=TqHSIiAXdSU&feature=related_

_Rae__: So this idea just sort of came about out of no where. I had been listening to a radio show near me when they started talking about Snuggie Sutra. Being the curious girl I am, I went to the website (www(dot)thesnuggiesutra(dot)com) and did a little investigating. I then shared it with my lovely friend, Waffles5509, and we had a good laugh about it. Then one night Wafs, me, Agora and CB were chatting and Wafs said that someone needed to write Snuggieward sex.. and so this story was born! Waffles, bb, this is for you. I hope it makes you smile and brightens up your day. I definitely had a fun time writing it for you. =)_

_Clare__: ::headdesk:: This has caused us so much amusement. And someone just bought me a Snuggie this weekend. Which is worrying. Very worrying. Wafs - I hope you like it. No, sorry, scratch that, I hope you love it. Actually, more than anything I hope this makes you laugh. Love you._

_(Yes - this first went on Rae's profile, but we have different readers, so although it's for Waffs, we're posting it here as well so that other people can see how silly it is...)_

_Since Agora lives on the other side of the world, we're posting this while she is sleeping. I hope she doesn't mind. She provided a boat-loud of hilarity to this! She's brilliant and we are glad she helped out! =)_

**_Disclaimer_**_: S. Meyer owns Twilight; but RaeCullen, LittleClareStar, Agoraphobiantic and Waffles5509 own Snuggieward. ;)_

* * *

Finishing work at eight o'clock had left me utterly exhausted. Fourteen hours in the office was too much for anyone. I hated the case I was working, and I hated that I hated it. I just wanted to eat dinner and snuggle up with Edward on the couch in front of the TV for the rest of the evening.

It was nearer nine o'clock when I got to Edward's house. From the outside it was a very typical ranch like house. Manicured front garden, sports car in the driveway, doorbell that played the theme from Star Trek. The 1960s television show Star Trek, not the 1990s versions. On the stone clad wall next to the double front doors was a wooden plaque with the name of the house on it. Allegedly. The name of the house was a bundle of letters that when spoken out loud evidently sounded like 'Kerplunk'. Only even I knew that Kerplunk was a children's plastic board game, and not the Klingon for 'Cheers'. Every time I let myself into Edward's house, that made me sigh out loud, and this night was not an exception.

I let myself in, and tossed my keys into the Stewie Griffin ceramic bowl at sat on top of the Victorian occasional table that sat underneath the Warhol Marilyn print. The house was utterly silent, but a light was coming from the sitting room, which could only mean one thing. He had been sitting in front of the TV waiting for me to come home, and something in his uber brain had distracted him and he was now in front of his computer, music blasting into his ears, and he was programming.

I crept in, ignoring all the paraphernalia around him, the huge amounts of comic books, shelved by alphabetically by title and then by issue number, and sub issue number, and sub title, the small plastic Japanese pieces of toy art in front of the comics, interspersed with pictures of his perfectly normal siblings, Alice and Emmett with their spouses and offspring, and the almost overbearing giant framed SciFi movie posters littered across the walls.

Standing behind Edward while he dicked around on his computer, I read what was on the screen in front of him.

randomize(List) -

D = [randomize_1(V1) || V1 - List], {_, D1} = lists:unzip(lists:keysort(1, D)), D1.

randomize_1(A) - {random:uniform(), A}.

Well, that meant Jack-shit to me.

After a few minutes of being completely ignored, I leaned forward and kissed the crown of his head, enjoying the feel of his wayward hair against my cheeks. He pulled the white chords from his ears and switched off his iPhone so that I had his full attention. I'd made a rule: when I was in the house, he gave _me _his full attention. I wasn't going to compete with C++ or Erlang or Haskell. Or Darth Sideous.

He stood up and grabbed me into his arms, holding me so close I could feel his heart where my hands pressed against his chest, and he kissed me, his tongue sweeping against my lips begging for access. I opened my mouth, and our tongues danced for a moment, while our lips met and parted and met again.

He pulled back after a moment, his face alight, his eyes gleaming.

"Oh baby, you _have_ to see what I bought!" Edward exclaimed, like a kid at Christmas. He was so easily excited. He probably bought some geeky new toy like a very limited edition 8-inch Buff Monster Dunny or a rare Alara Reborn booster card. How the fuck did I even know about this stuff? It must have seeped into my brain while I slept in his replica Millennium Falcon flight deck bedroom.

"What did you get, Edward?" I asked him, trying to put as much enthusiasm in my voice as I could possibly muster under the circumstances.

He threw that crooked smiled at me, the one that always made my insides melt and my panties wet, his jade eyes bright from his almost infantile excitement.

He ran a hand through his hair, and then pushed his glasses further up onto his face as they had begun to slip down his nose.

He reached down and picked up a large grocery bag, reaching inside and pulled out a pile of mustard yellow colored fleece-like fabric. He shook it out and held it up in front of him.

"What the fuck is that, Edward?" I asked curiously. I was not really sure what the hell it was he was showing me.

"It's a Snuggie!!" He exclaimed.

"What the fuck is a _snuggie_?!" I asked, horrified by the possibility of what this pile of fabric could possibly be.

"It's a blanket with sleeves!!"

I was positive at that very moment that all the color had drained from my already pale face. Just when I thought my boyfriend couldn't get any more geekie, he had gone and consciously bought a blanket that had fucking _sleeves._ Because he wanted to. Because he thought it was a good idea.

He shook it out to get rid of the creases that weren't there because it was one hundred percent acrylic fleece, and began to push his arms into the sleeve bits. "It has sleeves so it gives you the freedom to still use your hands while also keeping you warm!!"

I stared at him, dumbfounded for a moment. "You actually spent money on this?" I asked him, incredulously.

He stared at me, his features displaying a look of disbelief. "Bella, the snuggie is made with ultra-soft thick luxurious fleece and over-sized sleeves so you can move your arms and use your hands and still be wrapped in warmth. It's one size fits all so you can stay warm from head to toe! No more cold feet and with a Snuggie you can get up and still stay warm. It was a very practical purchase."

I sat down and dramatically threw my head into my hands, wondering what I had done to deserve Edward Cullen as a boyfriend.

"Wait- it gets better! I got something else as a special gift when I placed my order."

Oh sweet Jesus.

He turned around, reaching down for the grocery bag once again and pulling out a small silver piece of plastic. I was afraid to ask what it was.

He looked at me expectantly, like I was supposed to guess what it is he was showing me.

Edward rolled his eyes at me, "It's a compact book light! I can use it with my Kindle."

Now it was my turn to roll my eyes. It's amazing I even understood what he was talking about half the time.

~*~*~

Two episodes of Seinfeld, one of The Big Bang Theory, and an old CSI Miami, and I was ready for bed. I glanced over at Edward and caught him staring back at me. He had a look in his eyes. Or that, _that_ look. The look that I couldn't refuse, the look that I actually actively watched out for.

Immediately I felt damp in one place and hard in two others. I was suddenly no longer sleepy. I wanted him, and I wanted him now.

I pulled away from where we were cuddled up together on the sofa, and pulled my legs up, so that I was on all fours, my hands resting on his leg.

Our eyes met. He blinked rapidly and pushed his glasses up his nose again. His eyes flashed down to my cleavage that was conveniently bursting out of v-neck shirt, due to my position, and licked his lips.

I drew my knees up to his, so that I was kneeling next to him, and removed his glasses placing them carefully on the desk behind the sofa. I made sure to avoid the limited edition episode IV Yoda (unboxed) and the one in two thousand and five hundred gold R2D2 (still boxed) that were proudly displayed next to the I Love LA pencil holder, which was stashed underneath the see-thru plastic Target lamp, with the scorched creme frilly shade.

I melted as our eyes met and fixed on each other. I leaned forward and our lips touched, the lightest of kisses, my entire body reacting to the simplest of his touches. He very gently placed one hand behind my neck, pulling me forward, making our kiss deeper, more intense, our tongues caressing each other.

Swinging my leg over his lap so I was straddling him, I laced my fingers through the hair at the nape of his neck. I pulled him tightly to me, pressing our chests together tightly and slowly began grinding against him. Our lips began to move more frantically, our tongues sliding together in a perfect rhythm.

He moaned as I struggled to get closer. I just couldn't get close enough. I need to touch his skin.

Heat ran through me like electric currents, sweat forming on my brow. Without another thought, I reached down at the hem of my shirt and swiftly pulled it over my head.

"I wanted to do that," Edward murmured against my skin as he trailed kisses down my neck towards my collarbone, licking and sucking as he went. I gripped his hair tightly, tugging gently.

I gripped his wrists and roughly placed his hands on my lace covered breasts. "You can take this off."

He groaned as he began kneading my breasts softly, before dancing his fingers across my skin, down my stomach and across my back, leaving goosebumps in their wake. Quickly, he unclasped my bra and threw it down on the floor next to my shirt. Instantly, his mouth flew to breasts, bringing his mouth down around one of my nipples while taking the other one between his fingers and tugging gently. I whimpered softly, the feeling of his hands on my body sending wave after wave of ecstasy shooting through my body.

I suddenly realized he was still wearing the damn fucking snuggie. Frantically, I ran my hands all over his body, trying to find a way to remove the damn thing so I could touch him. "I need to touch you, feel you..," I practically whimpered as I struggled to find a way to take it off of him.

_Fuck, wasn't he hot in that damn thing._

Suddenly, he grabbed my wrists, stopping my frantic movements.

"How about..," he started, a glint of excitement in his eyes, as if a light-switch just went off in his head from a brilliant idea. "How about, I leave the snuggie _on_." his voice mischievous. He leaned down, beginning to trail kisses across my cheek and jaw then down my neck.

"You're not fucking serious," disbelief dripping off of my words. This was a joke, right? He didn't honestly want to leave the snuggie on while we had _sex_, did he?

"C'mon, let's be adventurous," he growled into my hear then bit gently on my earlobe.

_Holy shit. What has gotten into him? Adventurous?_

I was about to open my mouth to argue when his lips and teeth attached themselves to the soft curve beneath my ear. I moaned embarrassingly loud, relishing and loathing the fact that he knew my body well enough to run it like a debugging sequence. His fingernails raked down my back, leaving trails of fire in their wake and I threw my head back, vulnerable and offering myself to him completely.

"That's it, baby, let it happen." He smiled against my throat, nipping and suckling at all the places he knew I liked best as I writhed in his lap, coming undone like a ball of yarn as he patiently and tortuously unwound me thread by thread. Where the fleece touched my bare chest my skin broke out in goosebumps, prickly patterns that left trails where Edward followed with his lips, soothing and inflaming all at once. I stuttered his name, and his eyes flashed black.

With a growl he gripped my waist, lifting me off him and throwing me backwards. I landed on the coffee table, upending an open beer bottle and several magazines and newspapers. I gasped, the shock and pain of impact knocking the breath from my lungs, then whimpered as I felt Edward's teeth again scraping down my neck. I writhed, moaning wantonly as he gripped the waistband of my pants. His fingers ran around the inside, just where my panties met my skin.

I gripped the material of his damn ugly snuggie as he started to undo my belt, then the buttons. I lifted my hips and he roughly yanked my pants and underwear down my legs, eliciting another gasp. Edward was _never_ this rough with me, always gentle and attentive. He wasn't _vanilla_ at all, just a man who firmly believed in making love rather than fucking. But as I stared at the blackness of his eyes while he reaching into his snuggie to undo his own pants, I realized something alarming and arousing beyond belief. I was going to get fucked tonight.

His fingers reached down to brush against my entrance and I moaned and arched again, thoroughly wet and aching. He hissed as he slid a finger between my folds, pushing it all the way in before pulling it back out at a dangerously slow pace. "You want me," he murmured, and I writhed and bucked against his hand.

_No shit, honey. That is the general trend when my vagina converts into a high-pressure faucet._

He chuckled as though he could read my mind, thrusting a second finger in with the first one. I cried out, feeling my muscles clenching at his digits as he continued his deliciously slow pace, wondering if I would ever fucking cum tonight because I was in serious danger of losing my mind if I didn't get a little more _umph._

"Edward," I whimpered, needing him so badly, "please."

He groaned, kissing me feverishly, as I heard his pants hit the floor. He kicked them off before removing his fingers from my body. I whimpered at the loss of contact. He gripped my hips firmly, sliding my body down the coffee table so my ass was almost aligned with the edge. With a flick of his hands, the snuggie floated out in front of us covering my front. I couldn't see his body or mine, nor could he. However, his hands quickly attached themselves to my body again, running up and down my sides underneath the blanket, over my breasts and finding my hot center once again.

"Fuck, baby, please," I begged, tired of the foreplay and just wanted him inside me already.

Suddenly, I felt the tip of his cock at my entrance, we moaned simultaneously at the contact, my eyes rolling into the back of my head.

"Look at me," he demanded, the fire, want and need rolling off his tongue. I snapped my eyes up to meet his, moaning again at the sheer desire written on his face. "Say it."

I whimpered._ Fuck. I think I'm going to explode. "_Edward, please."

He growled, pinching my clit and I yelped. "Say it, Bella. You know what I want to hear."

_"_You're a Jedi Master, Edward! Use the Force!" I cried out, too desperate to care if he asked me to recite the elements in Twi'lek at this point. He must have been just as desperate, because no sooner had the words left my mouth than he thrust into me, hard and fast. There was going to be nothing smooth and gentle about this. _Thank the Lord._

"Oh god, you feel..," he grunted out, his face contorting in pleasure as he thrusted into me hard and deep. With each thrust into me, I slid up the table, only to slide back down again as I moved my hips to meet his, my eyes never leaving his. I wrapped my legs tightly around his waist as his hands latched on tightly to my hips, guiding my movements.

I gripped the edge of the table tightly, surprised that I hadn't snapped a piece of the wood off by now. The table groaned and creaked from Edward's frantic thrusts, I wasn't sure how long the poor old table would stand. But shit, I didn't care. I was surely going to have bruises up and down my spine, but holy shit was it going to be worth it.

My body began to quake, my stomach coiling as I felt my orgasm building inside of me. "Edward, I'm so close," I panted out, arching my back into his thrusts, my head slamming against the table.

"Oh God, Bella..," he murmured, leaning over me and kissing me hard, then groaning into my mouth. His movements were becoming more frantic and I knew he must be close. He slapped his hands down next to mine on the coffee table, our combined weights now being supported by the table. I prayed to God that I would be able to have my release before this thing cracked and splintered.

I placed my hands underneath the snuggie, trailing them down to where we were joined, urgently rubbing my fingers over my clit. Digging my heels into his ass, I forced him deeper as I rubbed myself frantically.

"Edward, I'm gunna..oh god..," I moaned, on the edge of my release.

"Yes, baby, I'm going to cum, cum with me… please," he urged, pounding into me one last time. I felt his cock twitch inside me as he screamed out in pleasure, my insides convulsing around him as my own release soon followed. I cried out, squeezing my eyes closed.

He buried his face in my neck, inhaling and breathing me in, I wrapped my arms tightly around him holding him close as we came down from our high. Taking deep breaths, I tried to steady my breathing.

_Holy fuck. My boyfriend just fucked me on his coffee table._

_Hell yeah!_

Ever so slowly, he pulled himself out of me, both of us groaning from the loss of contact. He pushed himself up off of me, so he could peer down at me. His signature crooked smile spread out over his face.

"I love you," I whispered, looking into his gorgeous green eyes and brushing my fingers through his unruly hair. I pushed myself up slightly, groaning from the pain that was shooting up my back. Edward put his hands in mine, pulling me up with him off of the table.

"I love you too," he stated back, wrapping his arms around my waist, holding me tight. He kissed my forehead, smiling widely.

"See, I told you snuggies were fucking awesome."

* * *

**A/N: In case anyone is curious, the position we used from the Snuggie Sutra website is called The Tablecloth (hence the name of the fic). Check it out on the website. It's pretty damn funny.**


End file.
